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Warning: Sports Triggers

Updated: Aug 1, 2022

We now live in a society where it’s common practice to preface possible triggers with warnings. Maybe if we’d had trigger warnings in 2001, I wouldn’t have passed out when a substitute teacher wheeled a TV into my sixth grade bio class and subjected us to a video of open-skull brain surgery. A trigger warning – or just common sense heads up that I’d never look at Sloppy Joes the same – would have been great.

So I extend that courtesy to you now. The following are sports triggers that need a warning. The minute you hear them, you roll your eyes as you revert back to the last painful moment they hit your ears. This is kind of like hearing “In these unprecedented times…” for devastated sports junkies.

“Joe West is behind the plate.”

In addition to moonlighting as a country and whhestern singer, Joe West was a universally despised umpire known for unbridled ego that frequently subverted managers, players, and the pace of play. It often seemed as though he’d purposely blow calls in order to start a dust-up and throw his weight around.

The Cowboy, as he liked to call himself, always had his hand on the six-shooter ready to interrupt the game with a completely avoidable ejection. As the Cubs were on their run, I knew that any game umpired by Joe West had a 50% chance of ending without Javy B.

The Ohio State University”


Ohio’s great- it has contributed more presidents than any other state. It has the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It’s got a lake that’s Great, and I’ve done a backflip into it.

Ohio also has many good universities that don’t appreciate the constant reminder that OSU is the best. Everyone knows Ohio State is the best school in Ohio. Emphasizing that it is the Ohio State University is like Mark Wahlberg saying he’s the Wahlberg brother. We know, and it’s in bad taste.

“*Insert team here* is wearing alternate jerseys today”

Every team has an alternate jersey they just can’t seem to wear in victory- and if your team is wearing alternate jerseys in an important game, buckle up for some bad luck. Maybe it’s because athletes are creatures of habit, but changing up a routine usually spells disaster. Just ask Chris Sale:

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