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Dark Lord Petitions To Host 2028 Summer Games In Actual Hell, Citing Bejing 2022 As Precedent

Beelzebub may have a point. The Bejing games were an abject disaster. Los Angeles is slated to host the 2028 Summer Games, but the world is rapidly spiraling.

We all saw the Chernobyl ski jump photos this year with “retired” steel mills in the background, where the workers surely have a solid 401k match and definitely aren’t being beaten. You can tell by the suicide nets that employers put their people first.

Can you honestly say it would be worse?

This is essentially the crux of Lucifer’s argument. Is the grass for sure more revolting on the other side?

“This place has changed a lot since the bubble burst in ’08. Between that, and the emergence of big pharma, the underworld has experienced a massive influx of gluttony, greed, and sloth. It’s really gentrified a majority of the circles.” Abaddon aka Azazel aka The Devil

Arthur M. Sackler, Purdue Pharma

El Diablo has the infrastructure, just needs participants

Have we already forgotten the green diving pools in Rio that smelled like farts? I understand that since 2016 it’s all seemed like one big shitty year, but it wasn’t all that long ago. I’ve never seen The River Styx, but I have seen Los Padres National Forest and the LA river. The difference can’t be more than marginal.

The Olympics have been on a cold streak since what, Vancouver 2010? Wait…we barely had snow in Vancouver that year! It may be since Bejing 2008, and we’ve come full circle.

Perhaps it’s time to think outside the three-dimensional box. Old Sam (yeah I didn’t know that one either) is quick to remind us that there are “levels to this shit” in that, it isn’t all fire and brimstone.

Alone Lost Limbo Lamp Dark Night Hell Forest

It’s prudent here to point out The Father of Lies could be bullshitting us when he says it won’t be “that hot” in Limbo, where the soccer stadiums are being constructed.

The latest buzz suggests there would not be any FIFA executives in attendance, since their return would not be guaranteed. Ironically, this offer is only being considered because of Hell’s close working relationship with the International Olympic Committee.

It’s all who you know.

Olympic Villiage surveying complete in the second circle

People lie. Demons lie. Numbers do not. In 2020, at the height of the pandemic, Olympic officals distribuited 160,000 condoms to athletes.

In Rio 2016, they handed each participant 42 condoms. I need a Pedialyte and a nap just thinking about it. The amount of sex that takes place in these villages is the stuff of legend. Lust is the only circle that makes any sense.

With an available waterway, housing, and an enthusiastic host, Dante’s Inferno could be comprably suitable to Los Angeles, especially by the time 2028 rolls around. It will come down to who can lobby the IOC harder for their favor. Normally, you’d think Hell must have unlimited funds by now…but never underestimate the power of our nation’s highest income tax.

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