It’s finally here! The game we’ve heard about for two solid weeks non-stop to the point we’re almost sick of it before it starts, is here! Secondary to “the big game” but still incredible is The Super Bowl Prop Bets Ericstravaganza!
Oh, it’s a thing.
Essentially, it’s the degenerate Olympics and this is the stuff that makes living in a free country worth all the other bullshit (maybe not all, but most) we tolerate on a day to day. Gambling.
As you can tell by the graphic I painstakingly created, I got deep in the weeds on these prop bet angles. We looked at where the football even comes from, what jets are stationed nearby, and how often Mary J Blige still rocks the cleavage at 51 as she should.
Disclaimer
This is not serious gambling advice, these are fun prop bets, digital scratch offs. Now it’s gonna sound hypocritical when I tell you there is no way, zero chance the opening kick goes into the end zone. But it’s absolutely true.
Thank yew The Pat McAfee Show
Let’s knock out the actual football quick so we can get to the good stuff
1st Touchdown
Matthew Stafford +2800/Joe Burrow +3000/Drew Sample +3000/Sony Michel +1800
Aaron Donald MVP +1000 I think makes a lot of sense if he has a big night. Stafford is liable to throw multiple balls to Bengals DBs, taking himself out of the running. These writers and broadcasters love to say shit like
You know, Aaron Donald is actually the best pure football player in the league”
so you know they’d love it even more if he had an MVP trophy when the confetti fell.
Other than that, all I’ve got for real football is Ogbonnia Okoronkwo 1st sack +3000. He’s got two sacks all season, only one of them being a solo, but anecdotally, I recall him flying around the field last I saw them play.
Pre game
Starting with the coin toss, it’s obviously heads just like it was last year. Tails has great PR. It rhymes with “fails” but they got out in front of that by attaching “never” in one of the all time great marketing maneuvers.
But I digress. This is simple physics. The tails side is flat with the teams and their respective conferences. The heads side, however, has the Lombardi trophy and two helmets…all three rounded surfaces making it more likely the coin rolls over to reveal heads.
Obviously we’re going over on the anthem because we love America. The flyover gets tricky because of the option to bet on The Blue Angels appearing. Why would this bet be offered?
The Blue Angels spend their winters training in El Centro, CA they could easily make the trip…file this under cool as fuck and fun to root for. I’m in at +500 why not, we’re already counting that touchback money.
Halftime
By halftime, we’re feeling good. Multiple plates of taco dip and entrees consumed, maybe a beverage or three, the music of our youth is on the television, and we’re explaining away our friend’s behavior as he drunkenly recites Real Muthaphuckkin Gs.
It’s okay, sweetie he’s not mad. In the 90s our music was mostly threats of physical violence to one another. No stop, why…why are you crying?”
The halftime bets this year are amazing.
Eminem wears a Lions Jersey +500. Are you kidding me? If he doesn’t wear a hoodie the entire time, there’s a jersey under there. Is it a Stafford Rams? Maybe. If it’s anything else, that motherfucker is Honolulu Blue.
Snoop smokes a blunt on stage +170 in California? See you at the window.
Mary J. Blige shows cleavage +200 Goddamn I love this country.
Tupac appears in hologram +400 Now, you tell me how I’m supposed to pass on that. Exactly. Imagine his verse comes up during California Love and a fucking HOLOGRAM pops up like “out on bail fresh outta jail California dreamin'” I mean, holy shit. You wanna see a house full of 40 year olds explode…
Gatorade is a total crap shoot, so take the long shot. Red/Pink pays +750 but it’s so rare it’s almost a sucker bet. What am I saying? Every Gatorade bet in history is a sucker bet unless you know the water boy.
Why, do you know the water boy? I’m just saying, we could make a lot of money spread it around multiple sites various amounts, it would go totally unnoticed.