It happens to me every year. If you love football and have a 9-5, it’s likely happened to you as well.
Super Bowl Sunday.
The gathering, the big TV, the bets and the pools, the halftime anticipation, the fuckin’…locally sourced homemade organic salsa that Amber brought, it’s all there and it’s all great.
But around the mid-third quarter, after the rush from winning $20 on the coin toss has subsided and it’s a three-score game, you realize all you have left to look forward to this football season is maybe you guessed the right Gatorade color.
And…ah, fuck. AND you have to be up for work in like, seven hours. You’re not even home yet. The car outside is a brisk eleven degrees Fahrenheit at the moment.
So what are you gonna do, miss the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl, the last of the last NFL action, for a single good night’s sleep?
Fuck no. You’re gonna call in. This is America. You have the freedom to choose whether or not to render goods and services, and the Monday after the Super Bowl is a hard no.
Why is this thing still kicking off on a Sunday night and not a Saturday evening? I mean, how long do you want this fuckin’ article to be? We don’t have time to go there.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been hauled into an office over attendance, I could afford to skip work this entire week. So, because I love you all so much, I’ve compiled ten field-tested, successfully executed work excuses for those in need.
Car trouble. In the winter, it’s a standby. You can get away with one for sure, up to three per season if you play it right.
This can be anything from ‘it won’t start’ to creative ideas like a heater core (look it up) or perhaps a hood that can’t be fastened shut. They can’t ask you to operate an unsafe vehicle, much less on snowy roads.
The Migraine. The migraine is great because they’re severe, nobody will ring your phone, and by far their best feature, they can pop up at any time.
A cool, dark, silent room? Oh, the prescription is paradise? What a fortuitous situation be this!
I Was In The Bathroom Half The Night. That’s it. That’s all you have to say. Throw an “Ugh, I don’t feel well” on the front for maximum success. Who knows what was served at that Super Bowl party last night…
Appliance Catastrophe. Appliances are a motherfucker sometimes. Have you ever seen a hot water heater leave this world for the next, soaking everything on its way out?
Dishwashers, same thing. They can turn on you in a blink, and leave you with a day’s worth of work…at home. A whole day? Damn. That’s a real shame.
Had To Help A Friend. Look, we all know you and we know the questionable company you keep.
HR isn’t gonna be shocked to learn that you had to make sure Brenda got home last night and, more importantly, fell asleep on her side. This will buy you a half-day. If you get in before they come back from lunch, your golden.
The Pinched Nerve. Like the migraine, I know this one because I’ve experienced its debilitating wrath. You can’t do shit with a pinched nerve in your back, or anywhere else.
This one is good because it’s specific enough, yet familiar, and not so mainstream as to throw up any red flags. Other features include the inability to drive even short distances or be upright. You should complain a couple times per day for the rest of the week to seal the deal.
A Very Important Appointment. This can be any sort of appointment at all, so long as it’s health-adjacent and there’s a long waiting list. It’s easy to forget about things, we’re all busy people.
Sometimes, you don’t realize until your Google calendar reminds you six hours prior. Happens to the best of us. I suppose you could miss the appointment, but then it’s six more months of waiting. It’s actually better for everyone if you just take today off.
Earache My Eye. The ear, nose, and throat are hot in the streets right now. Omnicron Records signed them to an exclusive deal, and now they’re putting out banger after insufferable banger.
Stay away from nose or throat, that’s a one-way ticket to a self-sponsored covid test. Instead, go with a more elegant solution. An earache is debilitating, your employer is likely to be sympathetic.
The School Meeting. Vicki up in human resources won’t bat her pretty little eye at a school meeting. These things can be lengthy, and they rarely start before 10 am.
I’d only use this one when there is an actual meeting, but if you’re in a spot and have some spare karma to burn, it is there for you.
In proper use, you can extend your time to achieve nearly an entire day off. It should be noted that I’m an expert, and your mileage may vary.
The Truth. I put this one on the bottom because it’s a total cop-out and it’s kinda bullshit for me to put this in a category with excuses excuses, but it does need to be said.
Often times it plays well because you’re being genuine. Best case scenario, you get the day off and build trust.
Worst case, you’re done. This is the most skipped work day of the year, so it’s probably also a big “last straw” day with some employers.
If you are a habitual work skipper, do not go with the truth on the morning after the Super Bowl. You’re taunting fate just by having the massive clackers to even attempt this maneuver.
You need to go big or clean out your desk. Only the good kids can get away with this one.
We didn’t list anything relating to a family emergency or tragedy, because I firmly believe that’s just asking for the shit to happen. I can’t condone that behavior. Other excuses like pink eye, intestinal problems, and anything where you throw your kids in the mix are off-limits as well.
These excuses can be embarrassing to execute, or you may have to keep them up for multiple days. Fuck all that noise, we want single-use, disposable work excuses.
It could be the lack of sleep talking, but I believe you have to put positive into the universe to receive positive from said universe. Mom used to say “don’t borrow trouble.”
Congratulations on the three-day weekend! This is good news, right? Glad I was able to help. Enjoy the game, and try not to think about how this is the last piping hot delicious NFL pizza you will taste for a long, long time. Good luck out there.